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Tuesday, March 3, 2009

On Hallucinations

The other day I ended up getting terribly sick. It's unfortunate, I'm not a normal person who gets sick when the weather is terrible out, I get sick when it's nice. Regardless, it ended with me missing 2 days of work and a day of classes. The advantage to my getting sick was that it sent me on a delusional spree of creating some fever induced mathematical system that didn't make sense, and only confused me greater.
Okay, that wasn't the real advantage, the real advantage was that whenever I was conscious Kelly was around. Generally speaking I would pass out when she wasn't here, and wake up to her being here. It was excellent.
Still, in my state of mind I was afraid I was going to die as a result of my brain melting from the fever...
I fear death.
I am sure I have said that before.
If there is one fear I have above all other fears it is that of death. It isn't because I am a god fearing person I fear death either, I am fairly confident that if there comes a time for me to be judged God will see that I am a wonderful individual. Or at least, in my mindset he should. The only issue is I refuse to follow organized religion. Most religions deem that I should burn in hell or something along those lines as a result of that refusal, which is something I would rather not do. Still, while the morals organized religion teach are generally fine and dandy, the war religion breeds isn't.
I'm a firm believer that God generally doesn't want us waging war in his name. The crusades, 9/11, those are all no-nos in my eyes. I don't think that the god our respective religious books teach us about would approve of such actions. If he does, I'm not confident I would want him as my god anyways.
Still there is always the idea in the back of my mind that I may be making those reasons up to use as excuses to endorse my own sloth. After all, I am not the kind of guy who wants to get up every Sunday morning to go to church.

Of course, I lie when I say I would prefer not to burn in hell. While generally speaking if I was given the option of not burning in hell for eternity or burning in hell for eternity I would obviously pick the later, there are situations where I would pick burning in hell.

Being aware

I want to be aware forever, for all eternity. As I said... I fear death, and I fear that death because in my mind that means I become unaware, non-existent and unaware. Honestly, if I was given the choice between suffering agony for all eternity and being aware; or being peacefully non-existant forever I would pick the burning agony.

Or at least I used to think that...

Now there is a third option I look to, that generally keeps my mind off those options. If I could spend the rest of my life aware and with Kelly, I would be happy with the non-existance at the end.

My life feels complete with her around. Our personalities, our thoughts, our feelings; they aren't all identicle, but they all complement each other perfectly. If ever I could be inspired to write a poem or a song about something, it would be about my feelings concerning her. And even then, I wouldn't be able to do it because I just can't shape words around how I feel for her.
My relationships of the past all arguably had their ups and their downs.
I've had my good and bad life experinces.
But nothing, nothing I have ever felt concerning anything has ever once touched the level of feelings I have for her.

Everything I want in a girl, everything I have wanted for so long.

The person I have wanted to be with for so long

It's finally all there.

A happy Travy

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark